Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I Have To Wonder Sometimes...

... about the the relationship and balance of choice and fate.

Many times in my life I have structured my way of living in such a manner as to avoid chaos, had a solid plan for a particular direction and yet...

Through some odd, outside force I can only think of as karma-fate, I find my fairly calm and simple life struck by some inexplicable, often completely random event that results in abrupt and significant change.

Sometimes the event is outright and obviously good. Other times, it seems like a completely hellish thing, yet later on, it becomes clear that while it seemed negative at first glance, it led to changes that brought better things to me. As I said the other day to someone that I used to know... well, thinking about that, perhaps it would be more accurate to say someone that I pretended to myself that I knew while ignoring what I really in my gut knew about him...but back to what I was saying... as I said to someone de mi pasado the other day, my luck tends to fall into the chaotic good category... thankfully. It usually does turn out for the best in the end...

But, I still can't help but wonder sometimes... about the source of such changes... like how that all works... the blend of free choice, yet the sense of being born to a particular path, irregardless of the choices that are supposedly freely mine to make. Does free choice even exist? Is it just something we tell ourselves so that we feel as though we have a semblance of control... Or does free choice come in as we are choosing how to react in the various situations we are fated to encounter? Meaning that despite the situation, we can choose to try to live up to what we envision our best selves to be... or not, choosing instead to behave in ways that are selfish, shortsighted, perhaps even careless or cruel. Hmmm... maybe that's it... our freedom of choice lies in how we choose to be and what we choose to do in the situations and circumstances that karma has dictated.

Through an odd series of events, I find myself in a completely different place, a place I had no plans or intentions of being. Leaving the desert, my relatively quiet life with its regular little rhythm and predictable people, was not even remotely in my mind.

Yet here I am.

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