Saturday, March 19, 2005

I am just so tired...

...so, so tired. And upset. And, hey may as well say it -- my feelings are hurt, my pride is hurt. I am exhausted -- been in deadline hell, a big pile up (but that's a good thing...) -- but I can't sleep, and if I don't get it out of my head, toss it out into the void (seeing as I can't talk to anyone -- see above: pride hurt -- that I would actually have to face again), my head will explode.

And, I guess I can't even really write about it here -- not the details any way. Too personal. But, what I can say is that my personal life -- outside of my children -- really, really sucks. Beyond belief. I am so sick and tired of dealing with a specific person's -- and he knows who he is -- bullshit head games. I'm tired of not getting what I want and need from this person ( I'll be 39 by the end of the year, my biological time clock is winding down -- and loud!).

I'm a straight up kind of a person. I was straight up about what I wanted and straight up about being ready to move on if it was not available. Not with malice, but simple fact -- if we're not all on the same page here, let's not waste each other's time and part before resentment and malice arise. He, after giving it due thought, agreed to share my page.

For what, I don't know. Because clearly we are not on the same page. In fact, we are not even reading the same book. He is not holding up his end. Which -- aside from hurting my pride and my feelings terribly -- enrages me. Why play the game?

It was with respect that I made it clear what I wanted. Why couldn't he show me the same respect by simply speaking the truth, by simply saying no. I've been soooo nice -- my normal state of being. Why play with my emotions, toy with my hopes? I want one more baby so very much. Why not just speak the truth and move on to a woman more in line with what he wants from his life? Why tell me yes, let me hope, when his actions -- or rather, INACTION -- tell me no. (And, believe me, I've had enough inaction from this man to last a lifetime... yet another unique and frustrating oddity about this ill-fated association)

I deal with people in a straight and honest manner. I just think it's better that way. Less hurt feelings, less unnecessary drama, better karma. I'd rather be hurt with the truth than placated with a lie. I was cool with parting (sad, of course, but cool, all things pass) but have wasted even more time now because -- for whatever reason -- he just said what he felt he needed to say to avoid me beginning to take names and numbers again and I thought he meant it.

I can't understand why. If we want such totally different things, then we do not belong together. Why bother with placating, false words? He'd be happier elsewhere and so would I. Resentment and Malice have entered the building.

Sigh... at least spring is almost here -- easier to shop (a wink and smile here) when it's warm enough to be out. Wish me luck, please. I need it.

Until Next Time...


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