Sunday, March 20, 2005

Head Games, It's You and Me Baby...

It's high time to draw the line...

Despite being upset, I really do have to laugh at all of this. It's all quite funny... laughable. I must admit, I've gone through many changes through the years, made conscious decisions to be a better person. Lately, I've been suffering from/fighting against a Big Temptation.

I was an odd sort of a child. I lived in a bad neighborhood... racial riots (my father was stabbed in our door-way during one when I was 4), pimps, 'johns', prostitutes, drug-dealers... just part of the usual scenery. After the racial riot in which my father was stabbed, while my sister and I hid under the diningroom table (my mother put us there to be safe as all our windows were being smashed out with rocks, bottles, etc. -- I can still hear her desperately calling the police, over and over; they didn't show up until 3 hours later), I was afraid to play outside for a while, so I learned to read.

By 2nd grade I was reading at a 4th grade level. By the end of 5th, I was college level and my school had nothing more to teach me in that subject. In the 4th grade, I began reading college level psychology books (and the feminist literature of the era...).

I became the master of "head games". Because, in addition to learning the mechanics from the countless psychology, sociology. etc. and etc. books I've read through the years, I have been blessed with a fast and agile mind -- an IQ of 131.

And, I admit... for a long time, I used my abiities ruthlessly to get what I wanted when I wanted. Straight up and without exaggeration -- I am the master.

However, in my mid-twenties, I had a preemie... in the hospital for 14 months before he passed. I had to make life and death decisions, for which I did careful research into what exactly those words/concepts meant. I became a student of world religions and philosophies. I had lots of time -- 8 to 12 hours daily -- sitting at his bedside to reflect upon life and its many facets.

I made a conscious decision to be a better person.

It's been many years since I've made the decision to live in truth -- integrity, dignity and grace are always what I strive for. The guiding principles of my life. It's just better that way. It really is.

But, I've been feeling the temptation to show this punk -- and he knows who he is -- just how it's done. I am -- and this is just the plain, unvarnished truth, no malice involved -- smarter than he is. Way smarter. Indeed, sometimes the depths of his ignorance -- literature, geography, politics, life -- simply astounds me.

If I chose to engage him on his terms -- head games -- I would crush him. Annihilate him. Destroy him. When it comes to head games, I am simply undefeatable. I never lose, never have and never will.

And, because my pride's been hurt, my feelings have been hurt, I really, really, really want to return the favor. I want to show him how it's done. But, I also know that I left that person behind, it's no longer who I want to be.

And, I guess, more importantly it would be going against one of the most basic ideals I have for myself -- to never again allow anyone else's behavior to affect me to the point to which I become or behave less than I am.

So, I shall do my best to fight temptation. I shall do my best to listen to the music in my head:

...It's high time to draw the line
To put an end to this game before it's too late.

And remember my commitment to being a better person and a good example to my children. And to not letting anyone make me less than I am.

I feel better now.

Until Next Time...

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